Category: Best of ‘The Take’

Hard-Learned Truths in the Adult World

As I have crossed into my forties, I have found a need to share some of the wisdom I have gained with others.  Here are some of those little nuggets of knowledge.

1.  I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2.  Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.  (and this happens to me frequently, just ask my wife)

3.  I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4.  There is a great need for a sarcasm font

5.  How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6.  Was learning cursive really necessary?

7.  Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5.  I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8.  Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9.  I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10.  Bad decisions make good stories (shoot this blog is full of those).

11.  You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12.  Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray?  I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

13.  I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14.  “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – EVER.

15.  I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? **** it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail.  What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16.  I hate leaving the house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day.  What a waste.

17.  I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18.  I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19.  I disagree with Kay Jewelers.  I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20.  I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

21.  Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize that I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22.  I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23.  I will get a constant stream of red lights whenever I need to be somewhere in a hurry.

24.  I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25.  How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

26.  I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.  Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27.  Shirts get dirty.  Underwear gets dirty.  Pants?  Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28.  There is no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

29.  Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

30.  Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my *** everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

31.  The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Alright ladies…Quit laughing!


I’M BLIND!!! Colorblind That Is…

I’ll never forget the day I found out that I was color blind.  I was in junior high science class.  We were in the media center and our teacher introduced us to the concept of color blindness.  This was the first time that I had ever seen a test like this.  He asked everyone to take a look at a jumble of dots on the board.  The first one I saw just fine, but most of the others were either incredibly difficult to make out or I couldn’t decipher them at all.  The science teacher was showing us images similar to the ones on the left.  It was the Ishihara test for color blindness.

As luck would have it, I was the only one in the entire class that was having such an issue with the pictures.  Everyone else could just rattle off these numbers, but to me most were just a collection of dots.  The event turned quite embarrassing for me, as most of the kids just laughed and then started whispering to their friends as if I was somehow less human or an oddity now.  Junior high is awkward enough, but now I was the king of the awkward.

This was the day where I had to start answering these questions every time it came out that I had this hereditary condition: “Can you see green?”  “Can you see red?”  “What color is this?”  It is simply amazing how misunderstood this condition is.  I also don’t think people realize how much this misunderstanding can affect people.

Color blindness is an inherited condition(usually anyway) most common in men ( 8-12 percent of white men, and less than one half of one percent in women).   The basic definition of color blindness comes in three basic flavors.  There is the very rare condition of total color blindness, where a person sees their world in shades of black, white, and gray.  Blue-yellow color blindness is also quite rare, and as the name implies, these people struggle with colors in shades of blue and yellow.  The last classification is red-green color blindness.  This is, by far the most common version of the condition.  Individuals with this last aspect have issues with shades of red and green.

In my case, I am red-green color blind.  The first thing people do when they hear this is immediately point to something red or something green and ask if I can tell what color it is.  The short answer to that is, yes I can see green and I can see red.  The label color blind is something of a misnomer.  Really the condition should really be labeled as having a color deficiency and not blindness to color altogether.  Much like other traits you have such as your finger prints, color blindness is unique to the person.  My issues really only flare up on two occasions.  In really low light some greens for me will turn grey or black (no not stoplights at night, it’s more subtle than that).  Secondly, if two shades of green are close together and are very similar, they may blend together or create a bit of a grey shift too.  It is hard to describe, but that’s what happens for me.

My own version of color blindness is unique to me.  Someone else, who is also classified as red-green, might have a different sensitivity or other colors that cause issues.  This is because it all depends on what the eyes are deficient in.  There are three different types of cones in the eye that decide how it picks up colors.  Now color blindness results when one of these cones are missing, or is simply not working properly.

One of the unfortunate consequences of this condition is that some people, who would otherwise be qualified to do so, are disqualified from holding certain jobs because they are being labeled as color blind.  Frequently the people who do the testing for this are not trained well, and they simply rubber stamp individuals with the condition and don’t investigate the severity and specific limitations, if any, the condition presents to the person.  This has resulted in people not being able to get employment (for jobs requiring good color vision such as electricians, and pilots, and such) even though in many cases they would probably be able to do the job.

Before pursuing this post, I had not considered that this condition is often classified as a mild disability.  Frankly, it has never hindered me from doing anything I have wanted to do.  At worst, it has just been a minor inconvenience, and the root of several jokes shared between my family and myself.  I don’t really consider myself disabled in any way.  I just can’t decipher the stupid dots on the top of this page.

American Football vs. Soccer Explained

The wonderful John Cleese explains the differences between what Americans refer to as football, and what the rest of the world refers to as football.

Now arguments for terminology aside, I believe his observations about the American sport do have some relevance.  I have noticed over the years, being a staunch fan of American football myself, that commercial breaks have increased in frequency for this sport.

That being said, I also feel the sport of soccer has some flaws as well.  There seems to be a lot of obvious theatrics involved with various players trying to do their best to show how they were hit.  I am sure this happens in the American version as well…but it seems so much more prevalent in the “world’s game”.  My wife, Kelli,  played some soccer in high school, and even she confessed that there were times where you would pull some antics in an attempt to pull favor with a referee.

In the end, I do not believe one sport is better or worse than the other.  In point of fact they are two different sports, with different rules, and different ways of moving a ball.  It doesn’t matter whether the ball is round, or oblong.  It doesn’t matter whether the ball is kicked, thrown, or carried.  In fact the only thing that these two games have in common at all are the often fanatical fans that doggedly support the sports.

American Football Fan
Soccer Fan