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Work Humor: 9/26/2012

 

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. -That’s a good point, Sparky.- -No I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.-

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example -If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.-

-Hi-lite- your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in –Palmolive.-

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

Insist that your e-mail address be -zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com- 12345678901234567890123456789012345678901

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it -IN.-

Determine how many cups of coffee is -too many.-

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc… in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none… Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, -Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.-

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

 

 

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Work Humor: 8/15/2012

 

Caught Sleeping In Your Office Cubicle

Best excuses if you get caught sleeping in your office cubicle:

“It’s okay: I’m still billing the client.”

“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

“This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to.”

“I was working smarter, not harder.”

“Whew! I must a left the top off the liquid paper.”

“I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”

“This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”

“I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.”

“I’m in the management training program.”

“I’m actually doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) I learned at the last management seminar you made me attend.”

“This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!”

“I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress.

Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?”

“Darnn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

“The coffee machine is broken.”

“Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”

“Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”

“It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?”

“I was cross-training for telecommuting.”

“Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”

“Wasn’t sleeping. Was trying to pick up a contact lens without hands.”

“The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun, so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.”

“Geez, I thought you were gone for the day.”

 

Work Humor: 8/8/2012

 

Over the last four years, I have turned in hundreds of applications. These days, most don’t even bother with a rejection letter response.  However, some do, and this week’s work humor entry is targeted at a clever turn about on a company’s rejection.

 

 

 

 

Baxter Conners
Vice President
Company 203
203 Wall St.
New York, NY 10015

Dear Mr. Conners,

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Company 203’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Sincerely,
XXXXXXXX

 

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